Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings

Gambling has been enjoyed by mankind since before the written record of history. Now that’s quite some time. So, with it having been around for so long, it’s had plenty said about it, and we’re revealing to you some of the best gambling quotes from across the years.

The Best Poker Jokes and Funny Poker Quotes Poker Jokes and Quotes assembled by Scroll to the bottom of the page for funny poker picture jokes and memes. Please reply to this post if you have a joke that should be added. If you like gambling jokes, check out NoLuckNeeded's huge list of The Best Poker Gambling Jokes & Quotes. Jan 20, 2016 - #gambling #humor Funny finds around the Net. See more ideas about Gambling humor, Humor, Gambling.

We’ve got some downright funny winning quotes, others are more morose, others still are insightful, and the rest? Well, they may just offer you a new way of thinking.

Here's a quick look at some of the greatest quotes on betting ever said (or written).

Eat your betting money but don't bet your eating money.

Who doesn’t love a good ol’ play on words? Especially when their simplicity reveals such profound wisdom. The idea is simple and just as relevant to your prince as it is to your pauper. Go wild with the winnings you get from gambling and spend it how you please, but don’t put the money for your food and rent into a bet.

The best throw of the dice is to throw them away.
– Italian Proverb, 1790 (first recorded in writing).

Popular amongst those who don’t like gambling or risk-taking. And, as Italy was, and still is, very Catholic, it’s no shock that they claimed this proverb. You never know where the dice will land, and this proverb asks why you should bother trying your luck.

The appeal and temptation is acknowledged, after all the dice are already in your hand, but you can still walk away. You lose the chance of a potential win, but you can be certain you’ll suffer no loss. Gamblers prefer to live by, 'nothing ventured, nothing gained', and give themselves over to Lady Luck!

In a bet, there is a fool and a thief.

The cold light of day shone on any bet. A harsh approach, it suggests that the winner, the thief, lured in the innocent fool and robbed them.

While there can only be one winner, usually the bookmaker or casino, and the odds are stacked against the gambler, it’s all in the name of fun. If you go in knowing all this and set limits, it’s hard to call you a fool.

A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way.

Author of the great American novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain made a lot of money from his successful writing career but after a couple of disastrous investments had to file for bankruptcy.

A man after our own hearts, he says that it's always sweeter to make a dollar on a great bet than to earn it through grafting on a hard day's work. Maybe it’s because of the thrill of the win, the risk involved, and the instant gratification. Or maybe it’s the glamour and because we didn't work for it. Either way it feels like easy money. Free money. And that’s worth celebrating.

By the way, if you're wondering, 'Faro' is a card game that was very popular in the 1800s until it was later surpassed by poker.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

An American humorist, cartoonist, and journalist, Kin Hubbard always got his point across by making us chuckle. And the above quote is no exception. He plays with literal meaning, yes your wallet will have more of a bulge, but his point is clear.

There’s no risk involved in folding your money over once, so it’s safe. But if you are looking to double your money, you need to step out of your comfort zone.

The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius.

Using chips in casinos is probably how so much money gets bet in each game. When you win big, you know about it and you are literally rolling in it, but when you want make a bet, it doesn’t seem like much to put down a few chips. Especially the chips with higher value.

The guy who invented the chip worked out that this simple trick meant way more people would part with more money. It’s like spending with a credit card. When there’s no hard cash involved you lose a sense of the value.

Of course, another advantage is that it keeps games organized, and with chips being thrown around from player to game to player, they need to be durable, the kind of durable that paper money lacks.

A gambler never makes the same mistake twice. It's usually three or more times.

Terrence Murphy has written a lot about gambling over the years, and his alter ego, VP Pappy, is quoted across many gambling magazines. His observations about gambling tend to be insightful yet tongue-in-cheek, probably borne from his own experiences, and the quote above ticks those boxes.

We’ve all been there, believing with all our being that THIS roll is the one. And when it’s not, it’s the one after that. Or the one after that. And it goes on. But this doesn’t have to be your fate! There's more than enough strategic information out there to make sure you're playing your games of choice the right way.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

A funny gambling quote from a much-loved comedian. Mitch Hedberg’s deadpan style appealed to audiences across his short-lived career and poked fun at everyday observations. He became something of a cult icon before his premature death.

Just like this quote, he used a lot of one-liners with snappy punchlines to get the laughs.

You know, horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

Will Rogers was a Hollywood star of his time and led the field in political wit, and used his great sense of humor to entertain the public. This quote takes a direct approach, but the joke is still pretty funny. Funny and true as it ridicules us for our ways of having fun.

If there weren't luck involved, I would win every time.

Known for being temperamental amongst other fellow famous gamblers, this professional has got himself the nickname of 'Poker Brat'. But with that fire comes talent, he’s won a record 14 World Series of Poker bracelets over the years, winning loads of money along the way!

We can see from his success that he’s very skilled and, from what he says above, might not be so lucky. That’s the beauty of games like poker, though. A mixture of strategy and luck will get you that win meaning that players with less ability might actually win against those with all the know-how. With luck thrown in, you never know what will happen and that’s what keeps players coming back over and over again for more.

They say the more you laugh, the longer you live. With that logic, these hilarious quotes can certainly add more hours to your life.

Laughter is often touted as the best medicine for good health and a sense of humor can get you through some tough spots. You don’t need a reason to laugh, yet most people find it hard to get any time to indulge in mirth and joy for even a few minutes in a day.

Here are some very funny quotes, by famous men and women, which will certainly bring a smile on your lips or a chuckle. Share with friends and loved ones or read these funny quotes to yourself for fun. Let’s start with the best of the best.

Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings

Most Hilarious Quotes

  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
    Steven Wright
  • It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
    Jerry Seinfeld – You might like our “Happy Fesitvus” page.
  • If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
    Theodore Roosevelt
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
    Steve Martin
  • Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them and have their shoes.
    Jack Handey
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
    Abraham Lincoln

Humorous Sayings

  • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
    Joe E. Lewis
  • Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
    Lionel Barrymore
  • I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
    Robert Benchley
  • Of course, women don’t work as hard as men. They get it right the first time.
  • I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.
    Frank Lloyd Wright
  • I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
    Oscar Wilde

Hilarious Quotes with Pictures

  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
    Oscar Wilde
  • He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.
  • Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
    Tommy Cooper
  • I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
    W. C. Fields
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    David Rosam
  • You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
    Franklin P. Jones
  • I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names.
    Demitri Martin
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine’.
    Tommy Cooper

Funny Short Quotes

  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    Dave Barry
  • An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
    Stephen Colbert
  • Beer is the reason I get out of bed every afternoon.
  • I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.
    Carl Sandburg
  • If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.
    Stuart Turner
  • Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
    Victor Hugo
  • The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth.
    Dame Edith Sitwell

Witty and Amusing

  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
    Steven Wright
  • Some people just need a high-five in the face with a chair.
  • I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention.
    Ron Kittle
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them as much.
    Oscar Wilde
  • The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off.
    Joe Klaas
  • Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
    Mallory Hopkins

Humorous Quotations

  • There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
    Stephen Colbert
  • First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
    Steve Martin
  • Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
    Mark Twain
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
    George Carlin
  • I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.
    James Holt McGavra
  • I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ’many’; and ’tics ’ meaning ’bloodsucking creatures’.
    Robin Williams

Note: If you have suggestions for some funny quotes, please let us know via the Contact page. Thanks.

Quote of the Day to Make you Laugh

  • A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
    Robert Frost
  • The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
    H.V. Prochnow
  • Some people aren’t just missing the odd screw. The whole freakin’ toolbox is gone.
  • I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.
    Thomas Szasz
  • True friends don’t judge each other. They judge people together.
  • Marry the one who gives you the same feeling you get when you see food coming at a restaurant.
  • I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it.
    George Bernard Shaw
  • Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him every day that he is wrong.

You might also like our funny jokes page.

Funny Facebook Quotes

  • Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
    Ken Dodd
  • Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze, and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
    George Raft
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
    Oscar Wilde
  • Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, electrons, and neutrons. They forget to mention morons.
  • I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
    W.C. Fields
  • I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
    David Lee Roth
  • Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    Jon Hammond
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
    Groucho Marx

Silly Quotes

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    Emo Philips
  • Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
    Bill Murray
  • Just because I give you advice, it doesn’t mean I know more than you, it just means I’ve done more stupid shit.
  • I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
    Cindy from Marzahn
  • You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts but you have to be stupid not to.
    Louis CK
  • I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
    Chris Rock
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
  • I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
    Will Ferell
  • Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
  • I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.
    Bill Murray

Tip: These hilarious quotes make great photo captions on Facebook. Best poker hands pre flop game.

Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings Humor

Hilarious Quotes and Catch Phrases

Funny Casino Quotes

  • Marriage, the proof of the existence of cosmic humor!
  • My level of maturity depends on who I’m with.
  • Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
  • You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of Nutella.
  • You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. For example, toilet paper.
  • Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
    Robin Williams
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
    Don Marquis
  • You are going to be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.
  • When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
    Stephen Wright.

— Mike O’Halloran

Mike, an author, and editor of Greeting Card Poet believes that laughter is the best medicine.

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Lucky Sayings Gambling

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Funny Gambling Quotes Sayings Quotes

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